Got a little sad today

Well I have been having some cramps today, tender breasts and an increased sex drive, and its sad. Cause, even if I do ovulate on my own, my tubes are blocked. And I know that God can heal me, and He will when it is time. I'm jsut struggling with the thought that I cant get pregnant this month.

I am trying to cope though. I have decided that I will get the boob job I've been wanting for years now with our tax return. Taylor is extremely thrilled about it! LOL I'm also trying to remind myself that I will be able to get sleep, and I will have more time to spend with my 3 beaus I already have. :)

I keep thinking of all these really fun things I want to do with the kids, and now its just a matter of me doing it. I have all the art supplies, so hopefully I will have the motivation tomorrow to do some fun things around the house.

I got rid of all of our baby stuff we had been saving for a few years now. Clothes, blankets, highchairs, crib etc. I just needed to so that I could move on. I havent pulled the strength to actually throw away my pregnancy tests yet. I still look at em for a quick moment some days and try to remember that I will be healed.

Sometimes i feel like noone wants to listen to me and I know it is a lie straight from the devil. I had a friend tell me the other day that I dont take the extra time with my kids... I didnt get upset when we were talking about it, but after wards I just started thinking about it.... a few of the things they said kinda hurt. I'm still a little sour about it now so I dont want to continue to talk about it. I love my friend very much, and she didn't intend to hurt me - but to help me. She was concerned and I explained that I let them dress themselves and she said I need to set up boundaries for that. Like give them 3 options to choose from etc.... Anyways, again, I just need to pray about it some more and get past it before I continue talking about that.

Xoe is getting really good at reciting the alphabet and that makes me feel good, just knowing that she is learning stuff and that I am giving them the extra time..... Lily is getting closer to recognizing ALL the numbers and letters. She knows a few real good, and we are still practicing. Sebastian we are starting to use 'check lists' for, to help him with remembering the things he needs to do before he goes to school and before he goes to bed. He's always loved To-Do lists so I think he's gonna do really good with it.

I'm actually considering making myself one. Though I'm not big into To-Do lists, I do like planning. I enjoy that.

I've really wanted to start painting again. Or drawing of some sort, murals, pictures, portraits, something. But I dont really have the 8 hours of alone time to do that. Taylor keeps telling me he wants me to start back up again but when can I? Lol... Its easier said than done right now.

Well, anyways, I'm gonna head off to bed. Its about 12:30 am right now and I really am tired.