Well I have been having some cramps today, tender breasts and an increased sex drive, and its sad. Cause, even if I do ovulate on my own, my tubes are blocked. And I know that God can heal me, and He will when it is time. I'm jsut struggling with the thought that I cant get pregnant this month.
I am trying to cope though. I have decided that I will get the boob job I've been wanting for years now with our tax return. Taylor is extremely thrilled about it! LOL I'm also trying to remind myself that I will be able to get sleep, and I will have more time to spend with my 3 beaus I already have. :)
I keep thinking of all these really fun things I want to do with the kids, and now its just a matter of me doing it. I have all the art supplies, so hopefully I will have the motivation tomorrow to do some fun things around the house.
I got rid of all of our baby stuff we had been saving for a few years now. Clothes, blankets, highchairs, crib etc. I just needed to so that I could move on. I havent pulled the strength to actually throw away my pregnancy tests yet. I still look at em for a quick moment some days and try to remember that I will be healed.
Sometimes i feel like noone wants to listen to me and I know it is a lie straight from the devil. I had a friend tell me the other day that I dont take the extra time with my kids... I didnt get upset when we were talking about it, but after wards I just started thinking about it.... a few of the things they said kinda hurt. I'm still a little sour about it now so I dont want to continue to talk about it. I love my friend very much, and she didn't intend to hurt me - but to help me. She was concerned and I explained that I let them dress themselves and she said I need to set up boundaries for that. Like give them 3 options to choose from etc.... Anyways, again, I just need to pray about it some more and get past it before I continue talking about that.
Xoe is getting really good at reciting the alphabet and that makes me feel good, just knowing that she is learning stuff and that I am giving them the extra time..... Lily is getting closer to recognizing ALL the numbers and letters. She knows a few real good, and we are still practicing. Sebastian we are starting to use 'check lists' for, to help him with remembering the things he needs to do before he goes to school and before he goes to bed. He's always loved To-Do lists so I think he's gonna do really good with it.
I'm actually considering making myself one. Though I'm not big into To-Do lists, I do like planning. I enjoy that.
I've really wanted to start painting again. Or drawing of some sort, murals, pictures, portraits, something. But I dont really have the 8 hours of alone time to do that. Taylor keeps telling me he wants me to start back up again but when can I? Lol... Its easier said than done right now.
Well, anyways, I'm gonna head off to bed. Its about 12:30 am right now and I really am tired.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Talked with RE
Well, I talked to my RE today. He said that surgery wouldnt be guarunteed to fix anything. Especially since my tubes are blocked at the entrance at the uterus, that usually means they are pretty well clogged. Whatever. I dont think its scar tissue. I think its blood and mucous from the 18 months of bleeding I had. Which means that the blood can come loose at any point in time. We are in no 'hurry' to concieve. I jsut want all of my baby making days to be over with before I'm 30. LOL. He said IVF would be good opeion, I said no. Everyone has their own personal beliefs and I dont judge anyone for believing what they believe. I, however, cannot create 8 babies in a petri dish, then then 'freeze' or 'discard' the embryos at a later date. Those are children to me. It just freaks me out. But again, everyone has different opinions and we are all entitled to them. Our insurance will cover after $5000, I just cant justify spending that kind of money on having a 4th child, when I could use it for the 3 I have now. Much less spending $10-13k for an IVF. It just doesnt make sense to me. The Dr said there are absolutely no health risks for me having blocked tubes or cleared tubes, it only effects fertility, so, we wont be doing anything as far as that goes.
But the way I see it is: Praise God! I dont know what all the details to his plans are, I'm not sure, but He sees that my tubes are blocked, and He will turn it around for His glory and I know He will turn it around! Praise Your name Lord for You are good all the time!!!
So, this blog was originally intended for TTC purposes, however, I think I am now just gonna keep it as my blog about whatever.
:(
But the way I see it is: Praise God! I dont know what all the details to his plans are, I'm not sure, but He sees that my tubes are blocked, and He will turn it around for His glory and I know He will turn it around! Praise Your name Lord for You are good all the time!!!
So, this blog was originally intended for TTC purposes, however, I think I am now just gonna keep it as my blog about whatever.
:(
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
:'(
We met with the RE on Monday. He did some bloodwork to check my FSH levels. Still havent heard back from that. He said he wants to get an HSG done before we discuss further options. So, I'm in the right days of my cycle to go ahead and schedule one.... So I scheduled it for today at 10:45.
Well, I recently came home from my HSG appt. I have 2 completely blocked fallopian tubes. Completely. My left side had a shimmer of a bump try to come thru, but nothin. He had me flip on my left side, then on my right, rock my hips in crazy directions. Nothin. My uterus bulged enormously and I could feel the slight cramping like there was pressure building. Nothing. He even asked me if my tubes were tied. I was like huh? If my tubes were tied, why would I be here? He then told me about how succesful IVF is. Well, if I had the $10,000 to consider that as an option I would, however my insurance doesnt cover any infertility treatments. I asked him about surgery and he spoke about it as if it wouldnt do anything for me. Im waiting for my RE to call me back now.
This seriously sucks.
Well, I recently came home from my HSG appt. I have 2 completely blocked fallopian tubes. Completely. My left side had a shimmer of a bump try to come thru, but nothin. He had me flip on my left side, then on my right, rock my hips in crazy directions. Nothin. My uterus bulged enormously and I could feel the slight cramping like there was pressure building. Nothing. He even asked me if my tubes were tied. I was like huh? If my tubes were tied, why would I be here? He then told me about how succesful IVF is. Well, if I had the $10,000 to consider that as an option I would, however my insurance doesnt cover any infertility treatments. I asked him about surgery and he spoke about it as if it wouldnt do anything for me. Im waiting for my RE to call me back now.
This seriously sucks.
Monday, October 5, 2009
RE visit today
Well, we did it! We went to the RE. I got lots of horrible glaring from one woman in the waiting room, I brought my two little girls in, because we didnt have a babysitter and she looked at me hateful the whole time I was there. I was like, seriously lady, you dont know anything about me... and you need to drop your attitude. I didnt say anything though. I understand how aggrevating it is to TTC!!! Even though I do have children already doesnt mean that I havent had my share of rough times.... Ugh.
Anyways.... So, the Dr was awesome. I loved him, and so did my husband. He asked a ton of questions about our history and said from my previous surgery it sounds like I have a tube that is blocked with scar tissue. I told him I didnt know, I was 18 or 19 when I had the surgery and it was a 3 hour lap, I dont remember everything she told me. So he wants me to get an HSG. Its scheduled for Wed. He also did some blood work on me today. An FSH test? I think thats what he said.... Its the test that tells how hard my brain is working to produce eggs.... The higher the number, the harder its working which means its searching for eggs - meaning closer to menopause (WHAT?! IM ONLY 25!!) Well, PCOS brings menopause on early, and lots of my symptoms do say its approaching.... Oh man, I forgot to ask him about all the hot flashes.... Oh well, anyways....
So, next week I'm getting bloodwork tested for (says the paper work order infront of me) Glucose, Two-Hour Postprandial - which I think is the gross sugar stuff that I have to drink - Insulin, Lipid Panel, 17 alpha Hydroxprogesterone, Testosterone - the numbers that show how bad my hair growth is - and DHEA
Its not often that I find a Dr who appreciates BBT charts. He was very anxious to see them! And said there was a concern for all the positive OPKs and the way they coordinated with the HPTs. OPKs were negative when HPTs were positive.... Not too sure what all that means but thats what I know so far.
He wants Taylor to do an SA but also said its probably not going to be too bad because of us conceiving Xoe within the last 5 years. Our ins wont cover it, but all we have to pay is $100 for the test. OH! I also found out that the IUI is only $300!!!! Thats nothing compared to what I was expecting it to be!
So, this is it. Wed I will let you all know what the HSG says (which by the way, IS covered by insurance!!)
Anyways.... So, the Dr was awesome. I loved him, and so did my husband. He asked a ton of questions about our history and said from my previous surgery it sounds like I have a tube that is blocked with scar tissue. I told him I didnt know, I was 18 or 19 when I had the surgery and it was a 3 hour lap, I dont remember everything she told me. So he wants me to get an HSG. Its scheduled for Wed. He also did some blood work on me today. An FSH test? I think thats what he said.... Its the test that tells how hard my brain is working to produce eggs.... The higher the number, the harder its working which means its searching for eggs - meaning closer to menopause (WHAT?! IM ONLY 25!!) Well, PCOS brings menopause on early, and lots of my symptoms do say its approaching.... Oh man, I forgot to ask him about all the hot flashes.... Oh well, anyways....
So, next week I'm getting bloodwork tested for (says the paper work order infront of me) Glucose, Two-Hour Postprandial - which I think is the gross sugar stuff that I have to drink - Insulin, Lipid Panel, 17 alpha Hydroxprogesterone, Testosterone - the numbers that show how bad my hair growth is - and DHEA
Its not often that I find a Dr who appreciates BBT charts. He was very anxious to see them! And said there was a concern for all the positive OPKs and the way they coordinated with the HPTs. OPKs were negative when HPTs were positive.... Not too sure what all that means but thats what I know so far.
He wants Taylor to do an SA but also said its probably not going to be too bad because of us conceiving Xoe within the last 5 years. Our ins wont cover it, but all we have to pay is $100 for the test. OH! I also found out that the IUI is only $300!!!! Thats nothing compared to what I was expecting it to be!
So, this is it. Wed I will let you all know what the HSG says (which by the way, IS covered by insurance!!)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Anxiety - RE tomorrow morning
So, Im a little anxious and nervous. Im ready to get to the appt, and find out everything, but Im nervous because "A" our 2 little ones will be there with us (but we're bringing coloring books for them to play with) and "B" Im just freaking out that this wont be covered my insurance. Im not into spending thousands and thousands of dollars, but I hear he's really good and doesnt do unnecessary things. So, now its just waiting... I'll post tomorrow to give an update on all the juicy details.
Goodnight
Goodnight
Thursday, October 1, 2009
My Daily Cup of "E" (Emotions) LOL
Ugh, Last night was horrible. With Taylor being gone for so long and me going through all the chemical pregnancies/false positives in the last 2 months and I'm SO worn out. I think I need a drink! LOL.... Oh man, is that only funny to me? I went off on Taylor last night on IM. Seriously, it was so weird I even saved the IM cuz it was so strange... I started having these crazy extreme hot flashes starting around 4pm. They lasted like 5-10 then Id have about 5-10 min break then it would come back. They started calming down around 10pm!!
By 11pm I am all of a sudden freezing. Goosebumps, shivering and shaking uncontrollably and was very paranoid too.... Felt very sick to my stomach really thought I was going to throw up.
11:15, my mood went back to normal, and so did my body temp but my feet and hands were still freezing. My feet kept going numb, and legs felt like they were losing circulation when I layed down, mostly on my right side. My arms did it at weird times too. It was seriously so strange.
Heres the IM I had with Taylor while going through the cold chill. For some reason I think this is really important stuff to show my Dr. Im NEVER like this. I dont think I have EVER asked him if he was with someone else. It was seriously VERY weird.
Taylor: I so have to go to bed!
Taylor: I love you and miss you
me: WHY ARENT U ASLEEP and if u have been awake why ru JUST now IMing me?
Taylor: It was a wierd night. I'll tell you about it tomorrowday.
me: have u been IM with someone else?
Taylor: I got back just a little while ago
me: ?
Taylor: I was with some nerds (he called them nerds because thats how I labelled them, it was an identifying name for me to know who he was with)
me: r u ok?
Taylor: ya
me: r u drunk?
Taylor: I had a few.
me: i dont feel good about this
Taylor: I'm ok
me: something isnt right
me: i dont like it
me: and i have a feeling youve done something that would upset me
me: i think i might throw up
me: hello?
Taylor: I was at a village pub and the people who run it kept buying us drinks
Taylor: I'm okay.
me: ur drunk
me: what happened?
Taylor: We stayed at the pub and talked to the local people.
Taylor: Then I showed Richard and Tom the church and we came back.
Taylor: We ate dinner there.
Taylor: Are you there
me: yes
me: but what is so crazy
me: what happened thats so crazy that kept u out drinking til 5am
me: did u kiss another woman?
Taylor: No
Taylor: I didn't kiss anyone.
Taylor: I was with two other people
me: or anything of that nature?
Taylor: No
Taylor: Nothing of that nature
me: something isnt right about you or what u r talking about and i dont feela any peace about this
me: im trying to figure out whats going on
me: were u IMing any one else before u IMd me?
Taylor: We haven't been drinking for a quite a while. We were walking for a long time. around the church and in the village.
Taylor: no
Taylor: I just got on.
Taylor: The other guys are still talking here.
me: idk
me: i dont feel right
Taylor: In the club room
me: what is going on?
Taylor: Nothing, they are talking and I am talking to you.
Taylor: We walked around the church and village and we are her.
Taylor: e
me: r u drunk?
Taylor: no
me: when i asked u earlier u gave me a different response
Taylor: what was my response?
Taylor: I am okay.
me: ur gonna go into the hotel and ur dad is gonna see that ur drunk
Taylor: I'm not drunk.
me: well im glad ur having fun.
me: when do u plan on sleeping? Because you will NOT be sleeping when u get home
Taylor: I won't
me: i will make sure you wont
me: the last 2 days I have felt really uneasy when Ive talked to you
me: and idk why
me: and u arent talking to me
me: so whatever
Taylor: I don't know what to do.
Taylor: I love you. I am ok and we are ok.
me: who is we
Taylor: me and you.
me: im not ok
me: idk y u think i am
Taylor: Can I do something to help you be okay?
me: im sitting here telling u that i dont feel good about whatever u have been doing the last 2 days
me: idk
me: whats been different the last 2 days
Taylor: I don't know what to do.
Taylor: idk
Taylor: I found the village last night.
me: what was int he villiage that was so cool u had to show other people?
me: dont they all live there?
me: dont erase
Taylor: It was old and historic. from the 14th century
Taylor: earlier too
me: im dearly sorry
Taylor: It was cool
me: I shouldnt be like this
me: I have had a very stressful week and its all me. Im being a stupid horrible wife right now, and Im sorry. I need to quit. I love you. I really do. And I shouldnt have been like that. Im sorry
Taylor: You are being a good wife who loves me. I love you. This
Taylor: has been very hard for you and I know that.
Taylor: I have been a very long way away.
Taylor: I love you,
Taylor: I am going to be home soon. It is okay to worry about me.
Taylor: Are you okay?
me: idk
me: i have jsut really needed u
Taylor: I know.
Taylor: I will be there so soon.
me: it sucks to hear about u having a good ole time while im in alot of pain
me: maybe its just jealousy
me: idk
Taylor: I'm sorry. It's not fair. I know that.
me: It doesnt have to be fair
me: i need to get over it
me: im hungry and tired
me: u should go to bed too
Taylor: Can I hug you soon?
Taylor: please
me: well u f*n better
Taylor: wow
me: never ask for a hug
me: u shouldve learned that by now
me: and when i push you away from hugging me, you better chase after my ass
Taylor: I will.
Taylor: I love you
me: ok, well hopefully ur dad wont look at u as irresponsible for being out so late, go get some sleep.
Taylor: ok. I love you.
Taylor: I will see you soon
me: I will see ya at 2:25 at whatever gate your flight will be at
Taylor: and you better have a hug ready.
me: I love you
me: Goodnight
Taylor: I love you
Taylor: Goodnight
It was about 10:30 pm my time, 5:30 am his time....
Just weird. It wasnt right. I'm gonna talk to my RE about it all. My friend Kelly thinks it may have something to with my hormone imbalance, so I wont deny that, the hot flashes followed by cold chills.... it makes sense to me.
Taylor will be landing in just a few hours. Im SO ready for him to be here.
I need a break.
A break from me!! LOL.... Geeze I feel like Im seriously going insane. I should be starting AF any day now.
Monday is just around the corner. I will feel a lot more confident after talking to RE. And after Taylor gets here. Anyways, I'm done for now.
Emotionally Exhausted!!!
By 11pm I am all of a sudden freezing. Goosebumps, shivering and shaking uncontrollably and was very paranoid too.... Felt very sick to my stomach really thought I was going to throw up.
11:15, my mood went back to normal, and so did my body temp but my feet and hands were still freezing. My feet kept going numb, and legs felt like they were losing circulation when I layed down, mostly on my right side. My arms did it at weird times too. It was seriously so strange.
Heres the IM I had with Taylor while going through the cold chill. For some reason I think this is really important stuff to show my Dr. Im NEVER like this. I dont think I have EVER asked him if he was with someone else. It was seriously VERY weird.
Taylor: I so have to go to bed!
Taylor: I love you and miss you
me: WHY ARENT U ASLEEP and if u have been awake why ru JUST now IMing me?
Taylor: It was a wierd night. I'll tell you about it tomorrowday.
me: have u been IM with someone else?
Taylor: I got back just a little while ago
me: ?
Taylor: I was with some nerds (he called them nerds because thats how I labelled them, it was an identifying name for me to know who he was with)
me: r u ok?
Taylor: ya
me: r u drunk?
Taylor: I had a few.
me: i dont feel good about this
Taylor: I'm ok
me: something isnt right
me: i dont like it
me: and i have a feeling youve done something that would upset me
me: i think i might throw up
me: hello?
Taylor: I was at a village pub and the people who run it kept buying us drinks
Taylor: I'm okay.
me: ur drunk
me: what happened?
Taylor: We stayed at the pub and talked to the local people.
Taylor: Then I showed Richard and Tom the church and we came back.
Taylor: We ate dinner there.
Taylor: Are you there
me: yes
me: but what is so crazy
me: what happened thats so crazy that kept u out drinking til 5am
me: did u kiss another woman?
Taylor: No
Taylor: I didn't kiss anyone.
Taylor: I was with two other people
me: or anything of that nature?
Taylor: No
Taylor: Nothing of that nature
me: something isnt right about you or what u r talking about and i dont feela any peace about this
me: im trying to figure out whats going on
me: were u IMing any one else before u IMd me?
Taylor: We haven't been drinking for a quite a while. We were walking for a long time. around the church and in the village.
Taylor: no
Taylor: I just got on.
Taylor: The other guys are still talking here.
me: idk
me: i dont feel right
Taylor: In the club room
me: what is going on?
Taylor: Nothing, they are talking and I am talking to you.
Taylor: We walked around the church and village and we are her.
Taylor: e
me: r u drunk?
Taylor: no
me: when i asked u earlier u gave me a different response
Taylor: what was my response?
Taylor: I am okay.
me: ur gonna go into the hotel and ur dad is gonna see that ur drunk
Taylor: I'm not drunk.
me: well im glad ur having fun.
me: when do u plan on sleeping? Because you will NOT be sleeping when u get home
Taylor: I won't
me: i will make sure you wont
me: the last 2 days I have felt really uneasy when Ive talked to you
me: and idk why
me: and u arent talking to me
me: so whatever
Taylor: I don't know what to do.
Taylor: I love you. I am ok and we are ok.
me: who is we
Taylor: me and you.
me: im not ok
me: idk y u think i am
Taylor: Can I do something to help you be okay?
me: im sitting here telling u that i dont feel good about whatever u have been doing the last 2 days
me: idk
me: whats been different the last 2 days
Taylor: I don't know what to do.
Taylor: idk
Taylor: I found the village last night.
me: what was int he villiage that was so cool u had to show other people?
me: dont they all live there?
me: dont erase
Taylor: It was old and historic. from the 14th century
Taylor: earlier too
me: im dearly sorry
Taylor: It was cool
me: I shouldnt be like this
me: I have had a very stressful week and its all me. Im being a stupid horrible wife right now, and Im sorry. I need to quit. I love you. I really do. And I shouldnt have been like that. Im sorry
Taylor: You are being a good wife who loves me. I love you. This
Taylor: has been very hard for you and I know that.
Taylor: I have been a very long way away.
Taylor: I love you,
Taylor: I am going to be home soon. It is okay to worry about me.
Taylor: Are you okay?
me: idk
me: i have jsut really needed u
Taylor: I know.
Taylor: I will be there so soon.
me: it sucks to hear about u having a good ole time while im in alot of pain
me: maybe its just jealousy
me: idk
Taylor: I'm sorry. It's not fair. I know that.
me: It doesnt have to be fair
me: i need to get over it
me: im hungry and tired
me: u should go to bed too
Taylor: Can I hug you soon?
Taylor: please
me: well u f*n better
Taylor: wow
me: never ask for a hug
me: u shouldve learned that by now
me: and when i push you away from hugging me, you better chase after my ass
Taylor: I will.
Taylor: I love you
me: ok, well hopefully ur dad wont look at u as irresponsible for being out so late, go get some sleep.
Taylor: ok. I love you.
Taylor: I will see you soon
me: I will see ya at 2:25 at whatever gate your flight will be at
Taylor: and you better have a hug ready.
me: I love you
me: Goodnight
Taylor: I love you
Taylor: Goodnight
It was about 10:30 pm my time, 5:30 am his time....
Just weird. It wasnt right. I'm gonna talk to my RE about it all. My friend Kelly thinks it may have something to with my hormone imbalance, so I wont deny that, the hot flashes followed by cold chills.... it makes sense to me.
Taylor will be landing in just a few hours. Im SO ready for him to be here.
I need a break.
A break from me!! LOL.... Geeze I feel like Im seriously going insane. I should be starting AF any day now.
Monday is just around the corner. I will feel a lot more confident after talking to RE. And after Taylor gets here. Anyways, I'm done for now.
Emotionally Exhausted!!!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Being refferred to an RE
Well. My Dr called back. Results were negative....... Im so confused. I asked her why is that for 2 months now my pregnancy tests show up positive on the same dpo and she always tells me my blood tests are negative.... She said its either one of two things....
1.) Chemical pregnancy - but its highly doubtful because the pregnancy tests only lasted 2 days, most chemical pregnancies last about a week before it fades.
2.) With having PCOS and raised LH, its possible that some of the pregnancy tests were detecting raging LH instead of HCG since their chemical make up is so similar.
Either one makes sense to me. All of my OPKs have been really dark which totally confused me. That would also be why the line never got any darker....
She told me she doesnt want to try Clomid again. She just wants me to go to RE (who is actually her husband) and she said he could probably do more for me than she could. She is restrained as an ob/gyn to only go so far with treatments when he will have many more options. I called him and set an appt for Oct 5th. I guess its just a consultation. My friend who is also TTC with unknown infertility (who also saw all of my positives) sees this RE as well.... She said since I have been diagnosed with Mennorhgia my HSG will be covered by insurance. So I was really excited to hear that. I'm wondering what else will happen there, as Ive never been to an RE.... Anyways. Ive been crying all day long and I have swollen eyes and not much energy anymore.... Theres the update.
1.) Chemical pregnancy - but its highly doubtful because the pregnancy tests only lasted 2 days, most chemical pregnancies last about a week before it fades.
2.) With having PCOS and raised LH, its possible that some of the pregnancy tests were detecting raging LH instead of HCG since their chemical make up is so similar.
Either one makes sense to me. All of my OPKs have been really dark which totally confused me. That would also be why the line never got any darker....
She told me she doesnt want to try Clomid again. She just wants me to go to RE (who is actually her husband) and she said he could probably do more for me than she could. She is restrained as an ob/gyn to only go so far with treatments when he will have many more options. I called him and set an appt for Oct 5th. I guess its just a consultation. My friend who is also TTC with unknown infertility (who also saw all of my positives) sees this RE as well.... She said since I have been diagnosed with Mennorhgia my HSG will be covered by insurance. So I was really excited to hear that. I'm wondering what else will happen there, as Ive never been to an RE.... Anyways. Ive been crying all day long and I have swollen eyes and not much energy anymore.... Theres the update.
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