Being refferred to an RE

Well. My Dr called back. Results were negative....... Im so confused. I asked her why is that for 2 months now my pregnancy tests show up positive on the same dpo and she always tells me my blood tests are negative.... She said its either one of two things....

1.) Chemical pregnancy - but its highly doubtful because the pregnancy tests only lasted 2 days, most chemical pregnancies last about a week before it fades.

2.) With having PCOS and raised LH, its possible that some of the pregnancy tests were detecting raging LH instead of HCG since their chemical make up is so similar.

Either one makes sense to me. All of my OPKs have been really dark which totally confused me. That would also be why the line never got any darker....

She told me she doesnt want to try Clomid again. She just wants me to go to RE (who is actually her husband) and she said he could probably do more for me than she could. She is restrained as an ob/gyn to only go so far with treatments when he will have many more options. I called him and set an appt for Oct 5th. I guess its just a consultation. My friend who is also TTC with unknown infertility (who also saw all of my positives) sees this RE as well.... She said since I have been diagnosed with Mennorhgia my HSG will be covered by insurance. So I was really excited to hear that. I'm wondering what else will happen there, as Ive never been to an RE.... Anyways. Ive been crying all day long and I have swollen eyes and not much energy anymore.... Theres the update.

Positive then Negative

So for the last 2 days I have had lots of positive pregnancy tests. I used multiple brands too. All showed positive. Well today, I woke up and peed on another one. It was negative. I held my tears in, ran to the store, bought 6 more tests. Peed on another one. Negative. I burst into tears. Called a really close friend of mine who is also TTC and then I called my Dr. Dr said to come in to get bloodwork done. I get there and Im telling the woman whos taking my blood whats going on and she says, Well God bless you. I started crying again, and told her I really needed to hear that. It gave me a little bit of hope. So, my Dr should be calling me back before the end of the day with results. Last month this happened to me too, but I thought it was a fluke because of the brand I was using. They showed positive on 11dpo and 12dpo. 12dpo I also got bloodwork done which showed "less than 5 which means negative" and then I spotted at 15dpo and started my period on 16dpo. This month, It was 11dpo and 12 dpo that I had the positive results again, and today is 13dpo... waiting on blood work.... this is awful to me. I cant take this crap! 2 months of this! :'( I dont know. Maybe the Clomid isnt making my eggs good enough quality to stick? Something is not right tho. 2 months of me going through says that something just isnt right. I have finally calmed down a little. Got a little worked up when a few freinds of mine just didnt understand. I know thats all it was. They dont track their cycles, they dont research hormones and medicines and arent TTC so they jsut dont get it. They think I wasnt even pregnant to begin with even after they saw the positive pregnancy tests and said they saw the second lines. Im gonna go into prayer for awhile.....

this pic is the best i could do.... sorry....

Waiting on Taylor to come home. I miss him so much. I'm soooo exhausted. I woke up at 7:30 ready to start my day and then by the time 1:00 hit, I hit the pillow. Tried sleeping, the girls only let me nap for a little bit, but I was grateful for what I got. Anyways, not wanting to type too much today.... Feeling lots fatigue, tender Bs, and stretching.... Goodnight....

Ugh. Stupid TESTS!!!

AH!

So I drew a picture for you..... do you like it? I dont have a camera to take an actual picture so I used a previously captured pic then colored it to show you what I found on my HPT this morning after I took it. I was like Seriously?? Are you kidding me? The stick never replied back but I did hear a bit of a chuckle.... argh. So annoying. It was dark pink at the top and bottom with a very pale line in the middle. :|

BAD MOOD

I am NOT in a good mood today. I miss my husband, I am stressed out, I havent slept in two days cuz I cant sleep when he's not here, I babysat a few kids but while they were here my kids went insane. Im having one of those days where I'm like, why on earth do I want more?? I love my kids. I really do, but there are moments like this where I just want slam my head in a wall. I get like this in my 2ww evidentally. Last month I was so stressed on CD13 I think it was that I threw a water bottle into my kitchen cabinets. UGH!! Just want to sleep, and someone else to go grocery shopping and cook dinner. Life is SO much easier with 2 people running a household..... I miss my husband.... :'(

Inverting Colors busted

ARGH! Ok, So I have this pic of my OPKs. I inverted them to see what it would look like if I did invert the colors on a faint HPT..... it doesnt show. Look. I even messed with the enhancements on these. On a picture, you just cant see faint lines. If your camera does pic up a faint line, then it aint as faint as what Im talking! LOL.... Seriously do yall see anything? Maybe - MAYBE on the yellowish one on the left.... MAYBE. In real life you dont even have to squint to see these lines. Color enhancements - puhleeze! >:P

You should be able to click on the pic to make it larger

Well, heres all my sticks for this month so far. LOL!! All tests that were taken for use as HPT were with FMU. The upper group are the ones I used for detecting Ovulation. Once Fertility Friend confirmed an Ovulation day, I started taking them to see what happens in my Luteal Phase. Which is the second group of OPKs. The random OPKs on the left of the paper were the second tests that I took that day. The HPTs are on the bottom (out of their protective shell LOL).

The FRER was quite odd. It has 2 dots on it. One dot is on the top where the test line is, and one dot is on the bottom where the test line is. Its right at the lines marked on the paper. There is a very faint line between the 2 dots, but I'm pretty sure it is an EVAP line, cause there isnt much color between the two pink dots.

The 3 tests with blue are Dollar Tree test. They have the same sensitivity as a FRER. They all three have faint lines. The first one has a faint grey line that showed up about 20 minutes after applying urine. Its an EVAP line. The one under it, the grey EVAP line showed up about 10 minutes after applying urine. Then the third one, the line showed up immediately, however, I cant tell if it has color or not!! And its no darker than the others. Also, this pic was taken with my camera on my phone, so I cant get very close or detailed.... Taylors got the good camera for London. So I think Ive come to the conclusion that I must have minute amounts of HCG in my system at all times. Cuz, it seems like I always get some sort of line no matter what I use!! So frustrating!! My OPKs have stayed about the same shade. Darker than what they all were last cycle. Kinda weird. Anyways, thats todays update.

My husband went to London for a week in my 2ww

So, Ive been having a really hard time today. Well, since last night really. I'm 9dpo today and Taylor will be out of the country until next Thursday. What I'm really nervous about though is his flight. I hate it when he flies. I dont really know why. But it always scares me. Its a 10 hour flight, the longest flight hes ever been on, and hes going over the ocean.... and UGH I'm so nervous! I cried for hours last night telling him how much I love him. And I mean every word of it. He also wont have a working cell phone, so the only way we will be able to talk to each other is by email.... I told him I would take a pic of all of my POAS and post them on here for him to see to keep up with! LOL When I laid the kids down for bed tonight, Xoe said "I wanna go on airplane with Daddy" while crying. It was really sweet....

This week will be interesting.

He went with his dad for work stuff. Blah blah.

I've had 2 years to prepare myself for this. I dont know why its so hard for me. I dont mind that hes there without me. I know if I was there I'd be walking around alone... so, its whatever. I told him to take pics and upload each one of them on our MySpace page so I can see.

So thats on the home front. I dont wanna talk about it too much or I will work myself up again. So let's talk TTC. Like I said, Im 9dpo. I was feeling really sick to my stomach yesterday. Today is just strange. My appetite comes and goes and my nausea comes and goes.... All of my HPTs are negative (which of course they are because I'm testing way too early - but does that stop me? No. Why? Because I'm a POASaholic.) and my OPKs are showing positives and almost positives.... I'm driving myself nuts again. LOL. I love it though. Sometimes I feel a little insane, but I hear you have to be a little insane to stay sane, so that works for me :)

2ww are the worst. I struggle with patience. God told me this would be my year for patience. Ugh. Its held true. I hope He doesnt mean for TTC too.... I found a really awesome bunch of women on a PCOS board. They are really helpful when it comes to letting me vent about stuff. We've only been TTC for 2 yrs, and I know thats not a long time compared to some women who have been TTC for their first child for 10+ years, so I feel almost selfish when I get frustrated.

Taylor told me a few nights ago, that if we dont get pregnant on Clomid we can do all the other tests that Dr wants to run. HSG sonograms and stuff. Which hopefully I'm pregnant right now and I dont even have to think about future stuff like that.

Anyways, I love my family, and I'm done writing for now.....

Why is it named A Bit Of My Rebellious Side?

This is basically my blog for all that I'm going through with PCOS.

I call this my Rebellious Side, because I was told I couldnt have kids. I want to prove them all WRONG!!!!

I want to warn you that this blog will be very shocking to a few people. First, understand, that I realize this. And please dont jusdge me for the hardships Ive gone through in life. I have been freed. Delivered. Redeemed. And if you dont understand it, dont get mad. Talk to God about it. I did not give every detail in this blog. There are LOTS of things I did not tell the "whole story" to save you time. This blog is to be about my battle with PCOS and how we are TTC #4. We all have our own battles, our own issues, our own ways of going through life. I dont judge you, please be kind to me.

If you have questions feel free to ask! But know, that if you ask, I will tell. So you may wanna be careful what you ask me! LOL

This is my breif history about how we got to where we are today....

I am married with 3 kids..... read on!!

1st Pregnancy - year 2000
At 15 years old, I was extremly suicidal. I had 2 weeks clean of being off of cocaine and my life was pointless. My dealer/boyfriend had been busted 2 weeks ago, and I didnt know where to get more. So, instead of drugs, I turned to sex to "get my fix". I was driving around and saw a guy who I used to work with walking down the street. Pulled over and gave him a ride to my house. He told me he just got out of rehab. I thought, we have something in common.... Anyways, he needed a place to sleep and I was lonely, so he stayed at my house. (Now, I know you are all wondering where was your MOTHER??? She worked the night shift and was only home to sleep. She was a single mom with 3 kids, all she did was work and sleep, never had a clue what was going on with me. When she did, she just kept going.... What can I say? She did the best she knew how and I love her no matter our past)

So, to continue on, we had sex. Unprotected.

I told him I hadnt had a period in 3 months, I already thought I was pregnant so he could just do his business in me. Which was the truth. So he did. I told him I was going to the bathroom to wash myself out. That wasnt the truth. Well, instead, I went to the bathroom and prayed.

Mind you, I was not a Christian at this time. In fact, when I prayed, all I said was, "I dont know what Your name is, I dont know who You are, I dont know anything about you, but I'm ready to kill myself. Give me a reason to live"

Now I DONT recommend this method to ANYONE who is TTC, well, basically cuz God knows your heart and He knows when you are testing Him. I DO RECOMMEND PRAYING, just not threatening with suicide..... He knew my heart. For 2 weeks straight after that I went to the local Planned Pregnancy and had a test done. Back then, they were free.

I knew I was pregnant. And if I was wrong, I was gone. So, the nurse walks in a tells me "your pregnant".

I fainted.

Yup. Passed out. They had to use the smelling salts 2x on me to wake me up. When I came to, I was on the floor. I looked up and the nurse had her hands full of pregnancy tests. She said, "Im sorry it took so long, they were all just so light that I thought they were false tests until my boss told me they were all positive..."

I dont remember anything after that. I was planning on going home to kill myself before I knew this information, now my entire life had changed. God answered my prayer.

My son weighed 6 pounds 1 ounce, 16 inches long, and was 3 weeks early. That was the first time I ever knew that God was real. I didnt tell anyone about that until about 3 years ago. My son is now turning 9 yrs old next month.

So many boring details..... I was in a relationship for a few years, that turned abusive, physically and mentally to me and my son... Stress was very high. I was 19 by this time and my periods were very rare. We werent using protection and if I ever thought I was pregnant I would wait at least a few months before testing. They were always negative. Never thought anything was wrong. Thought all women were like that. I didnt know to say anything to anyone, so no one ever corrected me....

Diagnoses - year 2003
Anyways, 4 months went by without a period. That was no big deal, that was normal for me. But this time was different. My uterus was bulging really really far out and I was cramping so bad I couldnt stand up. I tried going to work and they all told me to go to the dr. So I did.

I went in and she gave me a pregnancy test.

Negative. Which I told her I wasnt pregnant. Something was wrong. She laid me on the sonography chair. She just didnt believe that I wasnt pregnant. She said, "you look like you are about 4 months pregnant and all of your symptoms say pregnant. Not all women will have a positive urine test."

She did the sono, no baby in there.... like I told her. So she ran blood work and put it on 'stat'.

The next day she tells me I need to come in for another sonogram. I go in, to find out that I have approximately 1,000 cysts per square inch all over my ovaries, fallopian tubes, and uterus. We needed to do surgery to remove them, and she was also going to check for endometriosis while she was 'down there'. So we went in I think it was 2 days later, not sure now, its been too many years... They did a laproscopy. Scraped out most of the cysts, cleaned out tons of scar tissue and confirmed Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome with NO Endometriosis. She put me on birth control pills for 3 months and when I went back to get checked all cysts had cleared. So, I thought that meant I had been cured...........

2nd pregnancy - yr 2004
So I got off the birth control.

To make an extremly long story shortened by many years and emotional trauma, my mom was keeping my son every day she could and I was having a hard time leaving my boyfriend. *My selfesteem was extremly low and I had already lost most of my friends to support me through leaving him.* I was unable to pay some tickets.... well a BUNCH of tickets, and ended up in jail to sit out the fines.

While in jail (my son stayed with my ex step father - dont worry, he was safe) I found out I was pregnant. Not just pregnant. But 4 months pregnant per the jail house sonographer. After my time was served I went straight to the Ob/Gyn. Yup, 4 months pregnant, with a girl. She was born at 7 pounds 1 ounce and 17 inches long.

Sometime after that I went to the Dr for a check up. They had asked me if I had ever had surgery, and I told them about my laproscopy and that I was cured of PCOS after I got off birth control. I was quickly corrected. "PCOS is not curable." they said "It has its good times, and its bad times. Mostly bad."

So, thats when I found out all about a regular cycle. I was SHOCKED!!! I did TONS of research and then found out jsut how bad my PCOS was, and how it was absolutely INCREDIBLE that I had 2 babies when I "shouldnt" be able to have any!!!!

Lets skip a bunch of time - I left that guy and sought counseling, parenting classes, mentorship, and many many self help classes, and yes, finally a few churches. In some of those places I met up with a man whom I fell in love with. He was a Christian and played the bass for his church and invited me to go with him. This is where I fell head over heals in love with Jesus and my new boyfriend. :D

3rd pregnancy - yr 2006
We got married in front of God and my husbands mom, dad and sister in June 2006, then got married in front of everyone in September 2006.

After this second ceremony, we went on our honeymoon. We got pregnant just 3 months after being married! I figured this guy had super sperm or something! We decided to have an at home birth with a midwife. Well, she clipped my uterus while trying to break my water and I stopped dilating and had to be rushed to the ER where my daughter then had her shoulder stuck in my hips and the nurse LITERALLY had to JUMP on my uterus with one knee on top of her hands and PUSH her out. UGH! She was FINALLY born weighing in at a whopping 8 pounds 6 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. She was huge!

Second diagnoses - 2009
Well, to make this story short also, after having my third baby, I never stopped bleeding. I just kept bleeding. And kept bleeding. And then bled some more.

Stopped for 2 weeks at one point, then bled again.

We were wanting to have another baby right after this baby and planned on having a big family. We were financially pretty well off and everyone was happy.... So when the bleeding wouldnt stop after 6 months I got really aggrevated.

I went to a Homeopathic Dr who put me on TONS of herbal meds and all I did was clot and bleed some more. Clot and bleed some more. I tried this for a year, because I knew with herbal remedies it always takes a long time, so I had more patience, plus, I was doing something about it, so it was easier.

Anyways, after a year of nothing changing, I decided to drop that dr and go see my family practitioner who Ive seen since my first diagnoses. He recommended me to an Ob/Gyn.

I saw a different one.

I was put on Birth Control for 6 months to get my body back into 'normal mode' LOL. After getting off the birth control, I continued to bleed. I would stop for a few days but then bleed some more.

They did blood work on me and sonograms, a biopsy of my endometrium and put me on Provera.

It was then that I was told that I have Mennorhgia. Which basically means excessive bleeding.

Evidentally it happens to women who have PCOS. Huh? I never read that anywhere! SO come to find out, not every woman with PCOS will have Mennorhgia, but most women with Mennorhgia have PCOS also.

So, anyways, they put me on Provera 10 days. I kept bleeding. 10 more days.... day 8 or should I say "18" I finally stopped bleeding. I was then put on Clomid to induce a normal ovualtion. It worked! 2 years of bleeding later, I ovulated! So we are now on our second round of Clomid and you are up to date. :D LOL Hope I didnt bore you.